According to Star Magazine’s April issue Katie Holmes is not doing all that well right now. It might be time for Christopher Walken to take her down to the lab and do some rewiring.

The whole problem seems to stem from being married to Tom Cruise. That doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out. Here lately all the news about them has been that she was his 4th choice for a wife. That news overshadowed her big come back to the film world. She was doing great for a minute there when it was about her doing a movie. Then its back to being about Tom again and she’s dieting obsessively trying to be perfect. She’s trying to make their mansion perfect so he can show it off. He’s pressuring her to look the way he wants her to look.

Then you add to all that the hyper behavior of Tom. According to the article he leaves for days at a time and tells her “you can be with me, but don’t ask about it.” Well, hearing that would definitely give a wife a headache or two.

You just know if she needs some meds he’s not going to let her take them! He’ll lecture her about getting in touch with her inner alien. And where has Suri been? She hasn’t been seen since she yelled at Tom in public. I hope they don’t have her down in the lab getting fitted for her first microchip

Katie Holmes graces the cover of the April 2008 issue of InStyle due on new stands tomorrow. Katie’s stylists are doing a great job with her - she looks great! She has really been transformed from a rough around the corners but cute girl into a stylish icon. A few hundred million dollars does wonders for that sort of thing.

She gave an interview along with the photo shoot in which she said sugary sweet nothings about her love of Tom …. it made me a little nauseous so I won’t repeat it here. You can read it if you want but its basically the same thing she always says. You know, life is wonderful. Tom is wonderful. I’m so lucky. Everything is perfect. It makes you want to puke.

Katie Holmes looked fantastic with her curly hair and checked frock. She and Tom Cruise were attending the First Annual Essence Black Women of Hollywood event with Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith. Jada Pinkett-Smith was being recognized as one of Hollywood’s most versatile and gifted actresses.

I like Katie’s softer look. She doesn’t let the fact that her husband is a midget keep her from enjoying her Christian Laboutin heels.

She towers over him, but its really only an illusion. He’s much taller when he’s standing on his wallet.

Star Magazine has a story this week about how Suri Cruise is being raised. They are raising her in strict accordance with the beliefs of Scientology. That means she only hangs around other children from families of Scientologists, they treat her as an adult, they let her do pretty much whatever she wants to do because they believe she’s lived for billions of years and already knows everything there is to know. They don’t believe in giving her medication and she eats only organic foods like boiled barley juice (YUM!). I know most kids would just love a diet of boiled barley juice! They also don’t allow television or McDonald’s, among other things.

Here’s the dilemma. If she can do whatever she wants to do and already knows everything about everything then she must know about McDonald’s french fries and cheeseburgers, right? So if Tom and Katie don’t tell her no about anything, then what are they going to do when she wants a Big Mac?

I don’t know about you, but I see problems down the road.

Tom Cruise and his Robo-wife, Katie Holmes and their daughter Suri are pictured here leaving Orsay, a French brasserie in New York City. No one really knows why Suri is screaming at her father, who is carrying her bottle even though she’s WAY too old to be on a bottle, but it is rumored she’s giving him a tongue lashing for being a complete lunatic who embarrassed her with those videos he put out earlier.

She’s getting a jump start on her teen years since she’s being raised without discipline and Tom and Katie just hate saying ‘no’ to the little darlin’. Oh, just think of the fun that’s yet to come!

Is it just me or does Katie look like she’s secretly lovin’ it?

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Katie Holmes appeared on the “Late Show with David Letterman” show Monday night. She’s promoting her new movie, Mad Money. Have you ever wondered what would have happened to Katie Holmes’ career if she hadn’t been bought by married Tom Cruise? Just a thought.

It seems to me that Katie Holmes is much more sparkly when she’s without Tom - but maybe that’s just my imagination. At least she can stand up straight. That slumped look she has when Tom is at her side is just not cutting it for her. Plus, it makes her look like a giant when he’s hanging onto her like he does. Even with that in mind, she still looks great. She’s been on an exercise regime that Tom devised for her. Scary isn’t it! It seems to be working. She looks toned and sleek as a presenter at the Critics’ Choice Awards last night.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are pictured here at Germany’s Bambi Awards. That’s Germany’s equivalent of the Oscars - more or less. Tom was presented with the ‘courage’ award. Courage? Courage for what? Just curious.

When he was presented with the award he talked and talked and talked and talked. He’s sure everyone is as enthralled with him as he is. They weren’t. The audience looked bored and embarrassed for him. Not one to notice that people aren’t that interested in his every thought, he kept prattling on.

Well, on to more important things … how do you like Katie’s new look? I think she looks much more polished, but I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I mean, her make-up and hair are flawless but she doesn’t look at all natural. Also, her tummy is poking out - is she preggers? I always feel sorry for her that she had to slump over when she’s around Tom. That may be why her stomach is poking out, from her slumping.

I’m sure she doesn’t mind if she ends up permanently hunched over from years of having to stand like that. After all, Tom is very tall when he stands on his wallet.

Photo: Splash News and Celebitchy

Katie Holmes ran and finished the NYC marathon today - with Tom and Suri at the finish line to greet her. She looks the best she’s looked since she hooked up with her psychotic husband.

I’m thinking that maybe the reason Katie Holmes is standing there in such an odd stance is because her dress is about to fall off. Is that dress just horrible or what? I mean, aside form the fact that it looks like its several sizes too big and there is absolutely NOTHING holding it onto her body, the dress makes her look huge. It looks like something out of a 1950s prom night. Carrie, maybe?

Then again, it could be whatever she’s on that has her standing like she’s barely standing with that out-of-focus look in her eyes. Its like she’s thinking - help me. help me. I can’t say for sure though, of course. I’m just guessing.

Wait a minute. I’m supposed to tell you where they are and what they are doing. They are somewhere having their pictures taken. Oh yeah, I remember, they’re at the Berlin premiere of Lions for Lambs.

GAWD - that dress!

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photos from Celebrity Dirty Laundry