People are usually embarrassed if they are having emotional difficulties. We try to hide it and will call it pretty much anything other than what it is. We’ll attribute it to physical pain or relationship problems among other things. In my 25 years as a psychotherapist I rarely had someone come to see me who identified themselves as having emotional problems. That’s unfortunate because the healing process requires exactly the opposite. Let me explain.

We have emotional pain for a reason. Just like physical pain, it it is what helps us identify that we are having a problem and what the source of that problem is. Suppose you fall down the stairs and twist your ankle. When you go to the doctor he puts splint on your wrist and tells you to not use your left hand for 3 weeks so it can heal. You are getting treatment, but not for the right ailment. Your ankle won’t heal properly and will continue to cause you pain. In the same way, if you are in an abusive relationship that you are afraid to leave, but tell yourself that your depression is because you just don’t feel ‘right’ you will continue to be in emotion pain and will not heal properly.

Our emotions are what help us heal. It’s when we avoid or try to keep our emotions suppressed that we find ourselves in emotional trouble.

We have four basic emotions; anger, fear, happiness and sadness. An easy way to remember them is mad, sad, glad and afraid. Allowing ourselves to express those emotions appropriately helps us heal from the emotional upheavals we are faced with in living life.

We call those emotions a lot of different things. When we are angry we might say we are frustrated, hurt or irritated. We often use ‘hurt’ to describe sad as well. We might also call sad feeling down or got the blues. Whatever we call the emotion, they all boil down into those four categories.

It doesn’t really matter what you call the emotion. What matters is that you can recognize it and give yourself permission to express it. We do have to give ourselves permission to express our emotions because we are usually taught not to. In our society women are usually taught that being angry is not lady-like. A woman runs the risk of being called a bitch if she is angry. So women usually turn anger into sadness or fear as those are more acceptable emotions for women. Men, on the other hand, are viewed with disdain if they act afraid. Men aren’t suppose to cry. So when a man feels afraid or sad he will usually turn that into anger. Either way, being sad when your really angry or feeling angry when your really afraid, only feed into the problem and do not help you heal from whatever emotional hurt you are trying to deal with.

Dealing with our emotions appropriately doesn’t mean that when you are angry you should go out and do something violent or harmful. Inappropriately dealing with our emotions only leads to more problems, even when we’ve identified what emotion it is we are really feeling. Dealing with our emotions appropriately means acknowledging what you are feeling and focusing the feeling on the source. Most of the time it means allowing yourself to feel.

As uncomfortable as it is to feel angry, sad or afraid, those emotions heal. For example, if your pet dies it is healing to allow yourself to feel sad. As time goes by the sadness is less intense and you feel that way less often. It doesn’t happen over night. It takes time and can be uncomfortable, but you are healing.

The first step in emotional healing is identifying what emotion you are really feeling. Are you mad, glad, sad or afraid?

The second step is to acknowledge and accept what is causing the emotion. Are you angry with your spouse? Are you sad about a missed opportunity? Are you afraid of what others will think of you?

The third step is to allow yourself to feel the emotion connected to the cause. Remember that it isn’t helpful to focus your anger on your dog when your really mad at your boss. Focus the anger, appropriately, where it belongs and allow yourself to experience the emotion.

Doing this doesn’t come naturally at first. However, over time it will become more and more second-nature and you will find yourself more comfortable with your feelings and healing more quickly.